Allie
by CharlieMayhem
Summary: Snape, much to his chagrin, has a fondness for Allie- a 5th year Ravenclaw, and his potion's apprentice. When Allie comes back from summer break, she has changed drastically. She's withdrawn, losing weight, her grades are slipping. When Snape confronts her, he discovers some of her struggles, and attempts to come to her aid. TW trauma, dissociation, self harm, suicide attempt.
1. Chapter 1

_Author's Note: Hi everyone. This is only my second submitted fanfiction, and I'm really excited to be sharing this story with you all. It means a lot to me. I have a lot of this written, but I'm going to break it up into chapters to make it easier to read. I hope you enjoy! Please review :) Oh, and major trigger warning for self harm. Be kind to yourself_

**Chapter One**

Snape anxiously tapped his foot behind his desk. He had a certain Ravenclaw on his mind. Allie West. She was a 5th year, top of her class. She was, or she had been thought Snape with a shake of his head, a vibrant, lively student who had a palpable passion for academics. She showed a well above average aptitude for potions, and since the middle of her 3rd year, she had worked as an apprentice for Professor Snape. They had grown quite close over the past years. They worked together, mostly in silence, but when a potion needed to simmer for a certain amount of time, they would sit and drink tea, and eventually they would chat. Snape almost grinned, recalling the times the girl had made him laugh-something few people could do. Mostly they worked in a companionable rhythm, and much to Snape's chagrin, he rather cared for the girl.

But Allie had come back from summer break, and something had changed. She had lost quite a bit of weight, and what once was an appealingly athletic figure was now a bony, shadowed one. She was quiet, too. She had had an almost compulsive need to comment on everything, and her laugh was close to the surface and quick to bubble over. She talked quickly and excitedly, especially when discussing an academic pursuit. But now, she was quiet, and hardly laughed.

Her eyes had once been bright and present. Now, she was a hundred miles away. Her friends would have to physically rouse her to get her attention, and in class Professors would say her name three, four times, before she would snap back into it.

Allie had been a topic of conversation at the most recent teachers meetings. Her grades were starting to slip. She was getting thinner and thinner. Almost all the Professors had tried to talk to her, but she would just whisper that she was fine, thank them for their concern, and walk away, leaving no room for argument. The other Professors urged Snape to do something about this, as he was the closest to her.

Snape knew that he was better off doing it sooner rather than later, and decided to keep her after class that Friday. As she was packing up her things, he spoke. "Miss West" He said, barely meeting her eyes, "Please, sit."

Allie sat down gingerly, and bowed her head, her eyes, a uniquely silver gray, hardly showing behind the fringe of her brown bangs. She looked rather nervous, and Snape noticed that she kept her right hand pressed into her left forearm.

"It would be rather irresponsible for me to not inquire about your health." Snape said in a low voice, as the final student left the room.

"Sir?" She looked up. "I'm afraid I don't know what you mean."

"Surely you don't find me to be stupid, Miss West? Perhaps unobservant?" His voice was silky and lacked the malice usually associated with it. He was never malicious to Allie-that ship had sailed a long time ago.

"No, of course not sir. I just mean-"

"What, then? I pray that you will not tell me you are fine"

Allie gets nervous, and starts playing with the hem of her robe. It is then that Severus noticed a wet spot on the inner part of her sleeve. His mind reels for a moment, as he puts together the pieces. He remembers the sweaters she would wear, even in the summers, and the way she would never roll up her sleeves, even when they got in the way of preparing ingredients. Now, looking at what he assumed was fresh blood shed, he knew he had to do something about it. He stands, and Allie flinches at the sudden movement. Snape softens even further, concerned.

"I will not hurt you Allie." She lifts her head again, startled by the use of her first name. Snape crouches before her, and she nervously pulls back her arm, looking at him. "Let me see your arm."

"Sir" She said backing up into her chair, "Sir, I have to be going now." She tries to stand, but Snape gently grabs hold of her unharmed wrist, and lowers her down. "Please" She says, her voice sounding tired and dead. "Please, don't do this." She starts to panic when he does not let go and just continues to look at her. She yanks her arm away from him. She stands and tries to go around him to the door. He spells the door closed, and she yanks on the doorknobs, and loses all control. "Let me go!" She says quietly.

"No." Replies Snape. "You are obviously not well, child. Let me see your arm"

"Let me go! You have no right! Don't do this to me" She continues screaming in this vein. She bangs her fist into the door, she screams, she attempts to spell open the door, she is a tiny whirlwind of rage and fear.

"Allie" Snape tries to intervene, "Please calm down. You're going to hurt yourself." She continues her actions, and Snape just watches her, his arms crossed, knowing that she needs to tire herself out. After several long moment, she turns and puts her back to the door, sliding down until she is sitting, her knees pulled up to her chest, her head down.

"Please, have a seat." His voice is low and full of concern. He reaches out a hand, which Allie refuses to take. She stands unsteadily, and walks back to the chair, sitting gracelessly, rocking slightly, clenching and unclenching her fists. "Let me see your arm" Allie hesitates.

I can't believe I got caught, thought Allie. I have been doing this for... how many years? And now I get caught? I wish there was a way out of this but I don't see one. I will not cry. He won't take this away from me, right? He can't. I won't let him. No one can stop me from hurting myself.

Feeling more at ease with her thoughts, she extends her arm, and Snape rolls up her saturated sleeve.

He intakes his breath a bit sharply as her surveys the damage the girl has done to herself. The entire forearm is marred with scars, white red and pink. Some nearly an inch wide, and several inches long. There are cuts in various stages of healing, some held together crudely with medical tape, three of which were made within the hour and were bleeding still.

He doesn't know which words to use. When this would occur, him coming in contact with a student who engaged in self harm, which was not often, he would send the student to their head of house. But Allie was close to him, and he knew he was to be the one to help her. He felt a heaviness in his chest that he was unaccustomed to. Her wounds were much more severe than the average cutter's. He knew he was dealing with a serious and dangerous obsession, not just the passing morbid curiosity of a teenage mind.

"I'm going to bandage these, ok?" Allie seemed lost in her head. She nodded, and tears started to fall down her face. Damn it, she thought, I promised I wouldn't cry. But his voice is so gentle. I've never had anyone care for me this way.

Snape accio'ed a first aid kit, and a wet cloth, and went to work on healing her arm. He worked silently, ignoring the faint twitches of her arm. He wrapped the bandages tight around her. He spelled clean the area and the supplies, and pulled a chair so he was sitting right in front of her.

"Allie, I know this is going to be difficult, but I need you to answer some questions, ok?" She nodded. "Do you know why you are doing this?"

"I feel uncomfortable talking about this, Sir. I appreciate you bandaging me, but I really must be on my way. I am already late for Transfiguration." She mumbled, not daring to meet his eye.

"I will send a note to Professor McGonagall. I understand you are not comfortable, but I do need you to try and answer my question."

Allie took a deep breath, and cleared her throat. "Sometimes-" She sputtered and paused. Snape looked at her patiently. "Sometimes, things sort of, zoom away. I dissociate." She looked up as if looking for his approval. He nodded to show he was listening. "Things get really far away, I get really far away, and cutting is the only thing that I've found that brings me back."

"What do you mean when you say really far away?" Snape leaned closer and tilted his head slightly to the left.

"It's hard to describe. Things stop feeling real. Things, they take on different textures. Everything looks strange. I can't seem to get in touch with the real world. It feels like my body isn't mine. People's faces, the proportions change. I can't understand my own voice. Sometimes, I can't see or hear things anymore, and I wake up from it cutting. It's- it's hard to explain but it's unbearable to be in that state, and if I don't cut I'm afraid I'll be lost in it forever." The words poured out of Allie, as if she had been waiting for someone to ask her this.

"I see." Snape was highly concerned. This wasn't the usual build up of emotions that typically preceded cutting. It was a highly disturbed psychological state. "And when did you do this?" He asked, gesturing to the open cuts on her arm.

"I was starting to, go away during class, sir. I had to stay present." She looked down, ashamed.

Snape's eyes widened very slightly. "I see" He said again, not knowing what else to say.

"Please, sir. Can this stay between us?" Allie asked after a bit of a pause.

"I'm afraid not" He said softly. "Your cutting is severe, and I would not think it wise for you to go on unmonitored. You could very easily hit a vein and die, Allie. Magical cures don't work on self inflicted wounds, as you must know by now."

"Please sir, I'll be careful. I promise. I-"

"The fact that you are telling me that you'll be careful, and not that you'll stop, is a cause for concern. Do you see why I cannot keep this between us?"

"Just please don't send me to St. Mungo's" She cried desperately. Allie put her hands to her head and started rocking back and forth.

Snape surveyed this new behavior and sighed. "Have you been put there before, Allie?" He asked as gently as he could.

"Yes" She said, still rocking. Her voice sounded outrageously pained. "Yes when I was younger. When they first found out about me hurting myself."

"How long have you been hurting yourself?" He asked, a crease appearing between his eyebrows.

"I don't know, I don't know! I've been this way for as long as I can remember, please just don't send me there, please sir." She was very distressed.

"Shhh, child. I won't send you to St. Mungo's, as long as we can find a way to keep you safe here, ok?" Snape tentatively reached out a hand and placed it on Allie's shoulder, which caused her to jump. "And I shall only inform the Headmaster. As is the rule." Allie nodded miserably.

Snape walked to the fireplace, and floo'd Professor Dumbledore. Allie strained to hear as Snape whispered into the flames. The Headmaster came and unfolded himself out of the now green fire, and walked over to Allie, ignoring Snape, seeming concerned at her rocking state.

"What seems to be the matter, my child?" Albus asked, kneeling before her. Albus was quite partial to Allie. Allie had worked with Albus on several projects last year, as she had an amazing aptitude for breaking logic puzzles. Together, they had laughed and grown quite close. They still had tea once a month.

Allie tried to respond, but her breath caught in her throat and she began to silently cry once again. "Let me explain, Albus." Said Snape. Albus gave a last, studying look at Allie's down tilted face, and turned to Snape. "Allie has been experiencing some, rather disturbing psychological phenomenon, and has resorted to self harm as a way to manage this." At this Albus glanced at Allie, his lips curling into a frown. "It is my opinion that she is a great danger to herself and should not be left unmonitored. I believe she should be on the SI Alert System, linked to me primarily and you secondarily, and that she should take up residence in my quarters until her symptoms pose less of a threat to her safety."

Albus looked melancholy, "Surely... Is it that severe my dear boy?"

"Yes, Albus, she has cut just minutes ago, several of which would seem to need muggle stitches, if we hadn't closed them with butterfly bandages so soon. She has also revealed that she has been blacking out and hurting herself, so I don't feel as though her being on her own is appropriate."

Both men looked at the girl who has stopped rocking and was now staring at the door, a far away look in her eyes.

"Well then, I will get the alert bracelets, and I will ask the house elves to transfer Miss West's trunk down here." Albus said, disappearing into the fire.

Allie didn't mind that they were talking about her as if she wasn't in the room. She hardly was. She was starting to slip away again, and she knew if she didn't do something soon she would be stuck in that terrible half life that haunted her. She dug her long nails, painted a dark blue, into the back of her hand. Snape noticed, and stalked over, gently grabbing her hand and holding it in his.

Albus came back. "Allie, we're going to set you up on an Alert system, ok? Severus and I will wear these bracelets here" He held up two leather bracelets. "Whenever you are harming yourself, Severus will be alerted. If he is unable to respond for whatever reason, or needs additional support, he needs only to tap his bracelet, and I shall be alerted as well."

"But professor" She said, finding her voice, "I don't want that. What I do with my body is none of your concern. Sir."

"What you want," Said Snape, his voice silky and deep, "is to destroy yourself and have those responsible for your well being do nothing about it? Well, neither of us will sit back and allow you to harm yourself without some sort of intervention. What sort of professor and headmaster would we be if we willfully allowed a student to continue actions that could very well lead to her death!"

"I appreciate your concern but..." She shook her head and gripped the arms of the chair. "I need this" She whispered, with not a small bit of shame. "I need this and I can't, please... I can't get stuck. I need to know there is a way out. Please don't stop me. I promise you I have looked for other solutions in the past. I have tried numerous spells, meditation, grounding techniques. I spent years in therapy." At this her pale cheeks gained some color. "I've tried potions. I need to do this."

"My child, you do not need this. You can find another way." Albus said warmly but strictly.

"This is not up for discussion Allie. We are your superiors and you will obey us." Snape said, harsher than he meant to. He sighed, and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Allie" He softened his voice. "I assure you we only want what is best for you. Now hold out your wrist please" He spelled one of the bracelets onto her wrist. He then spelled the other two bracelets onto his wrist and Dumbledore's. "I will show you to your chambers now. Thank you Albus."

"We are only doing what is best for you dear child. Please, take heed of this. And remember where my office is." Albus grasped her shoulder quickly with his thin fingers, as his eyes flashed a twinkle, and floo'd back up to his office.

"Come, Miss West."


	2. Chapter 2

_Author's Note: Trigger warnings for self harm! And I didn't say this last chapter, but I own nothing but Allie. Just, uh, apply that to everything. (Am I doing this right? :))_

**Allie Chapter Two**

Allie rose slowly, and followed her professor, out the classroom and down the hallway of the dungeon. They stopped in front of a large portrait of a man with a mustache riding a gray horse. Snape pressed his hand to a stone on the wall, and portrait swung open.

Inside was a vast foyer. Allie would have been impressed if she wasn't feeling so low. To her right there lay a huge fire place surrounded by charcoal gray stones. Across from it was a comfortable looking black leather coach, and next to that two overstuffed arm chairs in a deep emerald. The floors were a dark wood, littered with emerald and sapphire throw rugs. The whole room was done up in deep ocean colors, and dark grays, which Allie found fascinating. She expected just silver and green, no exceptions.

"This door leads to the kitchen and dining room." Snape said, gesturing to the left. "And this door" Snape indicated the door across from them "leads down the hall way that holds my quarters, my personal lab, a library, and your room."

Snape then led her to her room, and pushed open the door. It was beautiful, done in deep reds and purples, with a four poster bed across from the door, a heavy oak desk pushed up against the wall, and an en suit bathroom coming off it to the left.

"It's lovely Professor, thank you." Allie said with her voice broken and quiet. Her trunk had already been placed at the foot of her bed.

"Your trunk has already been searched for potentially dangerous objects." Allie blanched. Snape regarded the scroll that had accompanied her trunk. "I dare say you had quite a few. They will be returned to you after it is deemed appropriate. I will now do the same to similar objects in the common areas." A pause, while Allie is too upset to respond."Miss West, I understand that this is quite the adjustment, and you are surrendering a lot of freedoms. I appreciate that. If you wish to talk for whatever reason, do not hesitate to come find me. I shall leave you to find your bearings."

Afternoon turned into evening, and Allie still had not left her room. Snape sat after searching his chambers for sharp objects, trying to concentrate on the book he was reading, when he felt the tightening of the leather bracelet, and quickly threw his book to the ground, the maroon leather sliding slightly across the polished wood floors. He rose from his leather chair and hurried to the room just down the hall. His heart quickened, having nothing to do with his pace. Surely not so soon.

He took a breath outside her door, and slowly opened it. In the corner of the room farthest from him, Allie sat cross-legged, her thin frame curved over herself. She did not notice this intrusion. She was bringing a knife down on her left arm, both arms already littered with gashes upon gashes, each forearm red and bleeding from wrist to elbow. Her hair was pushed over her shoulder, hanging down to one side, so Severus was able to see the blank look her face carried.

"Allie" He said quietly, his baritone voice a whispered hush. He didn't want to scare her. She did not move at his word, the hand holding the knife, a silver blade with a black handle, continued its motion. He winced, and moved cautiously nearer. He knows from past mistakes that moving too quickly will frighten her, and she may be lost even further into her mind. He considered using magic to obtain the blade, but thought the risk of it injuring her was rather high. He continued.

"Allie." Nothing. "Allie!" He is close now, and snaps his fingers several times in front of her face. Her gaze doesn't change. He feels a small bit of fear in his chest, this must be what she means by far away. Hell! She doesn't even know that he's here. The bit of fear gets larger...

He crouches in front of her, and gently reached out and places his hand over hers, stilling the blade. She looks up at the sudden contact, fear apparent in her large gray eyes.

"Be calm child. I have to take this from you. So you don't get hurt."

She struggles for a second, but then her hand goes limp. He takes the blade, and without taking his eyes off her face, places it behind him on the floor. She doesn't notice his gaze. She backs up further into the corner, and her hands go into her hair, and she begins the rock slowly, gripping her head tighter and tighter.

"Shh, no. Hey, hey, look at me. You don't need to be doing this." His voice breaks for a moment, and he clears his throat, pretending the stutter in his words was nothing more than a errant cough. "You're here, this is real. I know you don't feel like that right now.." He trails off, not knowing if he's saying the right words. He's spouting niceties when really he wants to be fixing whatever is broken in her mind. He clenches his jaw once in fear. He grabs for her hands in his, hers cold and shaking, his warm and still. He gives the hands a squeeze, and he feels her tension release, though she still rocks slightly.

"You're bleeding quite a bit" Why did he feel compelled to keep up this monologue when she wasn't responding to him. He remembered with a slight twitch of his lip that she had once said, teasingly, that his voice was like silk, and that it soothed her. "I'm going to get you bandaged up, ok?" Silence, and a thousand yard stare. He decided to alert Dumbledore to help him with this. He activated his bracelet. With his eyes still on her, he walks to the adjoining bathroom and takes out the box they have just for these occasions. Inside is gauze, medical tape, antibacterial ointment, butterfly stitches, gauze pads, ace bandages, anything they might need. He wets a clothe, and brings with him several towels.

He crouches back in front of her, and his heart tears at the sight. There is too much blood, and so he wraps the towels around her arms, holding them shut.

"Child, can you speak" Silence, she is limp and too far away.

He holds the towels still. He hears his floo being activated, and isn't surprised to see Albus striding purposefully towards him.

"How is she my dear boy?" Albus asked, his twinkle absent. Albus stared intently at the small girl, and let out a sigh. "Not well" He said, answering his own question.

There is a pause. "How did she get a knife?" Albus asked, without a hint of blame in his voice.

"I do not know Headmaster. I have been careful. She must have had it hidden quite well." Still, Snape's eyes do not leave Allie's downcast ones. Snape unwraps one arm, and sees that the blood has not yet slowed. "Albus, can you go to my store room and retrieve a combination Blood Replenishing/Blood Clotting Potion?" Albus quickly goes to retrieve the potion, while Snape continues to put pressure on her wounds. Albus returns and hands the potion to Snape.

"Allie?" Snape begins hesitantly. "I need you to take this." She does not respond. Snape, feeling awkward, tries to lift it to her mouth. She immediately bursts into tears. "Merlin" Snape whispers to himself, then out loud, "I'll have to take you to the hospital wing if you don't cooperate." A pause while he searches her face for compliance. "Allie, I'm going to have to spell this down your throat if you don't drink this." He is talking slow and smooth, pronouncing each word clearly.

"Severus, I do believe you will have to do that. Look at the pallor of her cheeks. Her current paleness would rival the house ghosts. Force is, unfortunately, appropriate."

Snape faltered. He did not feel right, violating this sick girl. However, she was only losing more blood by the second, and he began to wonder what damage that was doing to her body. With a sigh, he carefully grabbed her chin, and opened her mouth. Allie jutted her head backwards, seemingly relying only on instinct. Albus held her in place by her shoulders, while Snape poured the potion down her throat, one hand supporting the back of her head while the other tipped the bottle. She swallowed, and her tears had settled.

Snape looks down, and checks her arms again, seeing that the bleeding had begun to slow. He gently twists the arm so it is resting palm up on her thigh. He takes a wet clothe and carefully rinses the dried blood away. Albus looks on, and grabs the butterfly bandages.

As they work on Allie's arms up, she starts to whimper. She yanks her arm away from them, and pulls it into her chest, staining her gray v-neck t-shirt. She gets onto her knees and bends her body over itself.

The men exchange looks. "Now now my child" Says Albus's soft, aged voice. "We just want to patch things up." Allie refused to move.

"Allie" Snape's voice shook slightly. "Allie, it's me. Professor Snape. I imagine you're rather confused right now. I know that you are not used to someone else tending to your injuries. However, you are bleeding in a dangerous way, and these open wounds will be susceptible to infection. We don't want that, do we? " A pause, where she unsurprisingly doesn't respond "We are not going to hurt you. We just want to help." A Pause. "Allie?" Cautiously, Snape reaches out a hand to touch her bony back, and rubs light circles on it. She seems to relax at his touch, and stops whimpering. After several tense moments, she leans back, shakes her head, and holds out her arms.

"Allie, can you tell me how you're feeling right now?" Snape said in a low, slow, calm voice. Silence. He curses himself for being so stupid, of course she can't answer him.

The men get back to work, butterflying the worst of the wounds, and lightly bandaging the others. They work in relative silence.

When her arms are fully bandaged, Snape speaks again. "We're going to move you to your bed. You need to rest, as you've lost a lot of blood." He lifts her, cautiously putting one arm under her knees, and the other under her shoulders, and puts her into her bed. He is frightened to feel how light she is. As he goes to put her down, and Allie reaches out and holds onto his arm. Another part of him breaks. She is miles away, yet she knows she doesn't want to be alone. He sits next to her on the bed. She curls into him, her back against his chest. He encircled her with his arms, trying not to get distracted by the hibiscus in her hair. Albus looked on with a slight twinkling smile, and nodded, gesturing that he'll be in the other room. Snape smoothed Allie's hair, and murmured comforting things into her ears, until she slumped against him, exhausted by anguish and blood loss.

Snape lay the girl down in bed, and slowly backed out of the room, spelling off the lights as he went. He joined Albus in the den, where he had set out tea and biscuits for them.

"This must be what she meant by far away, Albus. She was hardly even responsive!" Snape raised his hand to his brow. "I don't know if I'm going to be able to keep her from serious harm."

"My dear boy. I haven't the slightest idea what more we can do besides keep her as safe as possible. Are you suggesting we send her to St. Mungo's, Severus? You know she will not be pleased to go there."

"I'm suggesting, sir, that we find a way to actually help her, instead of just intervening when it's already too late. When she's already hurt herself!"

"I know you must be feeling powerless, as am I. However, let us give her some more time in this environment, and see if we can not get a better grasp on her ailment."

"Yes, Albus. I just worry that I won't be able to help her."

The two men finished tea, and the headmaster went back to his quarters.


End file.
